An observation I made recently was curious.. I dress with a flowing and airy, often slightly transparent bohemian–hippie sort of style. I’ve got random dreads in my naturally rich dark blonde hair that drops two inches past my bra straps–if I wear a bra. I hardly wear makeup and frankly don’t plan on buying more once this last bunch runs out. I walk around appearing to be quite liberal, and definitely a free-spirit. And I think I might be what someone could consider free, though I would certainly not consider myself within any sort of set genre of human being simply because I am extremely aware of myself, a product of living in a big city by myself without any friends.
But what I observed was that with such a physical appearance I am expected, at my age to be almost promiscuous, and within the 1960’s sexual revolution sort of mind-state, when in actuality I am prudish and shy sexually. And for whatever reason it is frowned upon for the woman to be sexually free but laughed at if she is not.
This isn’t some feminist post about double standards, but rather the confusion one experiences at the other end of it.
Why do I feel wrong about something that I don’t foresee ever-changing within myself? I am very much a monogamist and am not necessarily offended by those who preach for the biological requirements for human beings that makes monogamy unnatural. I get it, it doesn’t make sense. But that doesn’t make it wrong. That’s like saying homosexuality is wrong just because it doesn’t make sense. And we all know question the emergence of gays is so taboo one has to be very careful. It is like walking on eggshells when it comes to the world and sex these days. That’s certainly not to sound as though I am against homosexuality, I have many family members whoa re gay, and for christ’s sake I danced for most of my life, I was surrounded by gay men since I was 6.
But I want to wake up every morning and immediately think about and hope for that day that may come where I have someone to wake up next to. I know that when I am overjoyed to have them next to me–not concerned with how bad I look or whether I farted a lot throughout the night because we ate ice-cream for dessert the night before–I will just be happy they are there. That will most likely be the person I will forever wake up next to until one of us dies.
Why must that be romanticism? Why can’t it be realistic? Why does, me not wanting to sleep around or explore sexually have to be wrong? Because books, movies and shows say it is…. My friends tell me I need to date, meet boys, sleep around. And while I think some sex would help me with my confidence that is about it. And when I explain that to people, they say no. And yet they tell me to be freer sexually. Its and endless loop of contradiction, that makes myself feel like a contradiction. Because you know any girl that looks like me should have a line of lovers?
It’s a frustrating situation that I’m not even sure how to identify or handle. Why is it so wrong to be in this situation that I am in? Why is it wrong to wake up and think of that person there in the future and not be happy about the moment now? I see the world around me, I experience it, but I’m alone and that don’t bother me, I am alone and so all I can think of is the past and future, now just holds little interest to me. I’m not a person who will go endeavour to find that person to wake up to and make the present feel real and good. I am that person who has to simply meet them by chance. Why is waiting wrong? I’m proactive with everything else? Can’t this just be the one exception? That one thing that….. doesn’t make sense about me?
Can’t we all just walk around naked and we all just do what we want how we want?